MSIC — so much more than a place to consume drugs

25 years of service, all evaluations passed with flying colours, words of praise from politicians and police and locals — yet still the only service of it's kind in Sydney.

My first visit to MSIC was not because I was looking for a safe place to inject. After all, I had been using drugs for a long time, and was skilled at finding locations that gave me a few minutes of privacy, usually public bathrooms or laneways. Injecting was hurried, desperate, clandestine, always looking over my shoulder, afraid of getting caught. Each time I used it was clear that what I was doing — and by extension who I was — did not fit within the bounds of normal society.

So it was curiosity more than need that initially brought me to msic. In one way, it felt like any other medical service, professional, efficient, friendly. But in another way, it felt surreal. There I was injecting heroin, not in the shadows, but in plain sight, fully illuminated by fluorescent lights no less, and no one blinked an eye. No judgement, no horrified looks, and strangest of all, no shame.

You see as a drug user I am accustomed to judgement. Sometimes it is blatant, like the man who approached me in kings cross one day, smiling. I thought he was going to say hello so i smiled back. Instead he spat on me and called me a dirty junkie whore.

Sometimes it is subtle. It comes as concern, as advice, a microexpression of disgust or a tone in the voice.

But the harshest judgement and the most corrosive shame does not come from others. It comes from me. And it is centered around this one question: "Why don't you just stop?"

Such a reasonable question. A logical question. And yet despite all my lived experience and a degree in psychology I cant give an adequate answer. And i fear that any answer i do give sounds like I am making excuses.

It's a question that I have asked myself countless times — why don't I stop? What's wrong with me? I know what to do, so why dont I do it? There is no compassion in this self inquiry, on the contrary, these questions are verbal whips that i have attacked myself with for years. This self directed judgement reinforces shame.

This same question lies beneath the surface of conversations I have with services and loved ones alike. The encouragement and expectations to stop using, to fix myself is of course well intentioned and caring, but the implicit message remains — that I need to fix myself, to change. That by mere virtue of the fact that i use drugs, how i am living is not ok.

So i try to hide myself behind socially acceptable masks, i look at the pavement when i walk so that I dont see any ugly looks sent my way. i edit what i say, i practice a happy upbeat demeanor to reassure others that i am fine and deflect any questions or advice they may have. Layer upon layer of shame. And shame doesnt inspire people to change. It paralyses us. It makes us hide, pretend, and disconnect from society. It is exhausting, isolating and a deeply lonely way to live.

What is different about MSIC is that when I walk through the front door, the shame stops. I can exhale. There is no need to hide my track marks or to pretend I am doing better than I am. No pressure to be other than as I am. I feel a sense of relief that I can only describe as coming home. It is this far more than a place to inject that keeps me coming here week after week.

The staff know me, because i share myself with them. They know my story and what is happening in my life. Not once have I felt like a broken addict needing fixing — i am simply Megan, a multifaceted person with agency and value who also happens to use drugs. Until I experienced this acceptance, I had no idea how hungry I was for it.

And my experience is not unique. Over the years, I have spent hundreds of hours at MSIC, and what I see consistently is people connecting.

I see clients talking, recounting the ordinary details of their lives, being witnessed without interruption or correction. I have heard my fellow users say that without msic they would not be alive, that if not for this place to come to and the kindness of staff they would not have made it through a difficult time in their life, that without msic they are completely alone in the world. I have said those words myself. The loyalty and trust and love are palpable.

MSIC and places like it help users in many ways — they offer overdose prevention, they promote harm reduction and they facilitate referrals to other services. But in my opinion, their most potent offering is an attitude of acceptance, which creates a space that is psychologically safe as well as physically safe. And because i trust that when I walk through the front door, i will not be judged or criticised, my visits to MSIC allow me to experience an unfamiliar freedom. I simply get to be Megan.